


Blow Out All the Candles

by midoriverte



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hallucinations, Hidekane Week, Hidekane Week 2017, M/M, Making Out, Paranoia, Scarecrow Hide, Scarring, a loose interpretation of the day's theme, awkward/uncomfortable sexual situations, day 5: trick or treat, mentions of Hide having trouble eating, potential self harm, severe body image issues, spoilers for re, spoilers up to 138 in Re I guess, unreality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2018-12-22 09:25:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11964522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/pseuds/midoriverte
Summary: His scars had never bothered him before. In fact, he had foolishly worn them as a badge of honour. They were proof of his feelings for Kaneki, proof of what he had done for him.But the world Hide lived in now was far less forgiving of scars.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by sondeneige
> 
> A little late on this one. I had actually started writing it before the reveal this week lol.

It took a long time for everything to hit Hide. During the war, everything had seemed so inconsequential. The things he had lost, the things he had sacrificed for Kaneki. Everything paled in comparison to his desire to see Kaneki again, to make sure Kaneki lived.

What did it matter, then, that he had quit school? (A laughable sacrifice in comparison to what Kaneki had gone through). What were his years spent in hiding, working from the shadows really worth? (Everything. Kaneki was alive, Kaneki was by his side again.) What did it matter that he didn’t know who he was anymore, because he had spent so long playing whatever roles he needed to for the greater good?

He didn’t have an answer to that last question.

Hide checked the time on his phone and groaned when he saw that it was well past noon. He had errands to run, and he wanted to get them done before he saw Kaneki tonight.

Smiling gently to himself at the thought of seeing Kaneki, Hide rolled out of bed and got dressed, carefully avoiding looking at himself in the mirror as he did so.

He didn’t bother to eat anything before he walked out the door.

Late August weather was brutal. Hide used to love the summer, but now it just left him feeling exposed. In the fall he had extra layers to hide under, but in the oppressive August heat he had nothing.

Sweat was already gathering on his brow. He ran his hand through his hair and absently ran his hand over the scars that covered half his face.

He just wanted to get this over with.

His scars had never bothered him before. In fact, he had foolishly worn them as a badge of honour. They were proof of his feelings for Kaneki, proof of what he had done for him.

Maybe it had just been easy to not be bothered by his scars when he had been surrounded by so many who had suffered so much. The humans all bore scars from one fight or another. They were just showing that they were strong enough to survive. The price they paid for being humans who were mixed up in a world where they didn’t belong.

The world Hide lived in now was far less forgiving of scars.

Resolving to get his errands over with quickly so he could end this nightmare and go home, he ducked into the grocery store.

Deep down, he knew he was being paranoid, that people didn’t really look at his scars as much as he thought they did.

But then he would see the way the cashier’s eyes drifted to the left side of his face before darting back and determinedly looking anywhere else, and he would feel his smile stiffen as he tried to pretend he hadn’t noticed.

He rushed out of the store, he just wanted to go back to his apartment, but he was dismayed to find that it had started raining in the time he had been inside.

Hide grimaced. He had walked here despite the heat, but it was too far to walk to his apartment if he didn’t want his groceries to get soaking wet. He saw a bus stop with several people huddled under umbrellas and sighed, steeling himself for the trial that was public transportation.

The bus pulled up fairly quickly, and Hide was thankful that at least one thing had gone right today and he hadn’t been forced to wait in the rain. The bus was fairly crowded and he was forced to stand in the middle of the aisle as he was jostled every time the bus hit a bump in the road.

“What's wrong with that man’s face?”

Hide stiffened when he heard the small child speak from somewhere behind him. He’d asked it loud enough that Hide could tell all the people around them had heard it too.

“Remember what we said about keeping our thoughts to ourselves?” The mother said, in a tone that assured Hide she was more concerned about her son appearing rude than she was with how he might have felt hearing something like that.

There was a time when Hide would have responded with something clever and self-deprecating, but instead he held his phone up a little higher and turned his head away.

He wondered what Kaneki, what Kaneki’s friends, would think if they could see him like this. He made damn sure none of them ever saw how much this bothered him. Especially Kaneki.

Kaneki who always looked so guilty whenever he thought Hide couldn’t see him.

His phone vibrated. As though his thoughts had summoned him, Kaneki had texted him.

 _I’ll meet you at your apartment in an hour_.

Hide smiled a little. Kaneki’s texts always included proper punctuation. It was adorable.

He could feel eyes on him, and though he knew it was a bad idea, he glanced in the direction of the boy who had spoken earlier.

His mother’s back was turned to Hide, and she held her young son close to her in the crowd. He stared at Hide openly but quickly looked away when Hide made eye contact with him.

Hide nearly missed his stop, and had to push past them to run out of the bus.

It was raining even harder than when he had gotten on the bus, and he dashed into his apartment building, getting completely soaked.

Well, he had gotten all sweaty on the bus anyway, he would shower when he put all his groceries away.

He dressed with care, he had no choice but to look at his scars this time, as he brushed his hair and looked in the mirror. He tried to focus on anything but the left side of his face. He still wasn’t used to how his dark hair looked on him . How even though he left it long, almost shoulder length, it still stuck out everywhere because his hair was thicker and more wavy without being damaged by bleach.

He tried not to think about how he grew his hair out to hide his face. How he had stopped dyeing his hair because he wanted to stand out as little as possible.

He tried not to remember the first time he looked in the mirror and didn't recognize himself.

There was a knock on the door. Hide pulled his gaze away from the mirror. How was Kaneki here already? 

 _How long have I been looking in the mirror_?

He took a deep, steadying breath, and went to answer the door.

“Kaneki!” Hide said, a stiff smile fixed on his face as he flung open the door.

“Hey.” As usual, Kaneki looked perfect. He was wearing a dark button-up shirt and jeans and suddenly Hide felt a heaviness that he didn’t even know he was feeling lighten ever so slightly.

Hide flung himself into Kaneki’s arms for a hug. Kaneki stumbled a little from the force but recovered quickly, pulling Hide into a tight embrace as Hide buried his face into his neck.

“What’s this about?” Kaneki laughed.

“Can’t I just be this excited to see my cute boyfriend?”

“Mmm.” Kaneki made a noise of agreement but sounded like he knew something else was up. He didn’t question Hide though, and Hide loved him for that.

Hide stayed in Kaneki’s arms longer than strictly necessary. Kaneki was a grounding force, solid and comforting, and when he pulled away he found that his smile was just a little more genuine.

“Bring anything for me?” Hide teased.

Kaneki held up a small bag with a bottle of wine in it.

“Ooh, a party!”

Kaneki rolled his eyes as he stepped into the apartment and took off his shoes.

“Have you eaten yet?” Kaneki asked.

“Uh, not exactly,” Hide grimaced. “I was running late today so…”

“Do you want me to make you something?”

Hide wanted to say no, he could take care of himself. He could see Kaneki was worried about him for reasons other than not having lunch yet and it terrified him because that meant his mask wasn't working-

He was being stupid.

“Sure, that would be nice.”

He needed to stop being so paranoid. When Kaneki’s back was turned he scratched absently at the side of his face again. He was dimly aware he was doing it but couldn't bring himself to stop until Kaneki turned around and he dropped his hand guiltily.

Kaneki seemed to look at Hide an instant longer than necessary.

“It's just soup and a sandwich,” he said. “I hope that's all right.”

“Sounds perfect.” His falsely cheery voice was grating even to his own ears.

Hide sat down on the couch and Kaneki followed suit. It had not escaped Hide’s notice that Kaneki always sat on the side facing away from the scars. He had never challenged Kaneki for doing so, even if it hurt him to know Kaneki was disgusted by him or afraid to look at him (Hide didn't know which). He could hardly blame Kaneki for it, and he didn't really want Kaneki looking at his scars anyway.

“Hide?”

Startled, Hide turned to look at Kaneki.

“You just… you seem...” Kaneki struggled to force the words out, unused as he was to discussing these things with Hide.

“Tired,” Kaneki finished in a tone that told Hide that that was not what he had wanted to say. That what he had wanted to say couldn't be put into words.

“I didn't sleep well last night.” The truth, but not the reason he was so off today. And they both knew it.

“You should go to bed early tonight.” Kaneki sounded resigned, but Hide was just relieved he brought this farce to a close.

“I will,” Hide lied. And that was the end of it.

“I was thinking,” Kaneki said slowly, carefully. “That before the end of the summer we should do something.”

Hide didn't respond.

“Like a trip,” he added hastily. “I could rent a beach house for a few days…”

“I don't really like the beach,” Hide said, mostly to quell the rising panic he felt and the desire to run his hand over his scars.

“Oh. I thought you did.”

Hide shrugged. He could hear it in Kaneki's voice. The disappointment that his best friend had changed. The fear that he never really knew him at all. But Hide had loved the beach once.

“Maybe in the fall we can do something?”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“I want to take you somewhere nice.” His tone was so sincere that Hide wanted to cry.

Hide leaned over and kissed Kaneki on the cheek instead.

“We’ll talk about it later?”

Kaneki looked sad as he nodded. He added “Eat your lunch” sternly, and Hide laughed.

The rest of their time together that day passed much more pleasantly. They put on a movie and cuddled on the couch and talked of nothing that was important. Hide drank the wine Kaneki had brought him and got a little tipsy but not drunk. And Hide would be lying if he said this was all he wanted, if he said he didn't want to be able to tell Kaneki every miserable, pathetic sorrow he felt. To tell Kaneki to look at him not from the side but full on so he could see everything. He wanted Kaneki not to look away and he wanted to not be filled with the desire to run when Kaneki looked at him.

But this, this was good enough for now. Being loved by Kaneki and being safe with him was all he had ever wanted.

He didn't know how to want anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there was one thing that was even more unimaginable to Hide than going out there right now, it was hurting Kaneki.

The warm weather lasted well until the end of September. Kaneki had mercifully not brought up his beach idea again, though Hide couldn’t help but feel guilty for disappointing him. 

 

He had agreed to go out with Kaneki today, but he regretted it more and more as he got ready to go see him. There were some days, seemingly for no reason, that he was more aware of his scars than he usually was. Days where he swore he could feel them, as though they had an actual weight, an actual presence, on the side of his face. 

 

It almost hurt. 

 

“Scars from years ago can’t hurt,” he said out loud to himself. He actually wasn’t sure if this was true or not, but he felt like looking it up probably wouldn’t do him any good. 

 

He checked the time and felt a stab of panic. He hadn’t realized how much time had passed as he got ready. He was going to be late for Kaneki but even worse was the growing realization that he  _ couldn’t go out there _ . He couldn’t leave his apartment and let people look at his scars and feel their gazes on him. 

 

He imagined telling Kaneki he couldn’t come because he wasn’t feeling well. He felt Kaneki’s disappointment once more, even though he knew Kaneki would say it was fine and that he understood, neither of those things would be true. 

 

Hide closed his eyes, hard enough that he could see bursts of colour like fireworks in his vision. 

 

If there was one thing that was even more unimaginable to Hide than going out there right now, it was hurting Kaneki. 

 

****

Hide knocked on Kaneki’s door about half an hour later. Kaneki opened the door so quickly that it seemed like he had been waiting for him. 

 

“Hey, Kaneki,” Hide said. 

 

“Hey,” Kaneki said. If his smile had slipped a little when he saw the medical mask Hide was wearing, he managed to hitch it back on very quickly. 

 

“Sorry I’m a little late,” Hide said. 

 

“It’s fine,” Kaneki shrugged. “It’s only by a few minutes. Are you… not feeling well?”

 

“What do you mean?” Hide’s heart was beating very quickly. 

 

“Do you have a cold or something?” From the tone of Kaneki’s voice, the way he refused to meet Hide’s eyes, Hide could tell he knew that wasn’t the case. 

 

“Not exactly,” Hide said. 

 

Kaneki seemed, as he so often did these days, on the verge of saying something before he stopped himself. 

 

“Well, as long as you’re well enough to go out,” Kaneki said with a smile. He closed and locked his door behind him, and the two of them headed out. 

 

Hide wondered how long the two of them could go on like this. They chatted amicably as they walked to the cafe that was their intended destination, but Hide could sense the tension in the air. How long could they avoid talking about the things that threatened to tear them apart after they were finally together again?

 

He pushed these thoughts from his mind, forcing himself back to the conversation. Forcing himself to just enjoy this moment. 

 

If nothing else, it was oddly freeing to wear his mask. No one spared him a second glance, no one looked away from him as he met their eyes. Even Kaneki, who normally avoided looking at Hide’s left side, was walking on that side today.

 

Suddenly the oppressive heat didn’t seem so bad, and Hide allowed himself to enjoy the unseasonably warm day. 

 

The one flaw in his plan, which he realized upon sitting down (and wanted to kick himself for not thinking of it sooner), was that he could not drink coffee with his mask on. 

 

“I know it’s not our usual,” Kaneki said excitedly. “But I’ve heard good things about this new place and wanted to give it a try…”

 

Hide nodded. He supposed it would upset Kaneki if he said he didn’t want to eat or drink anything. 

 

“They have good cheesecake too… or so I’m told,” Kaneki laughed awkwardly. “It’s not like most people I know can eat it, but Yoriko said it was.”

 

Well, there weren’t many people here anyway. Hide glanced around nervously before pulling his mask off his face. 

 

His feeling of being exposed was not helped by the piercing look Kaneki was giving him. He wondered if he knew the real reason Hide was wearing the mask, and felt a sudden stab of anger. If he knew how Hide felt, why would he make him come out here? Why would he make him take off his mask in front of everyone?

 

_ How would he have felt _ , Hide wondered bitterly.  _ If I made him take that stupid eyepatch off all those years ago _ ? 

 

Their waitress came by, and Kaneki cheerily asked for a black coffee, a vanilla latte and a piece of strawberry cheesecake and Hide’s flash of anger was replaced quickly with shame. 

 

“I see you have my order memorized,” he said.

 

“I’ve been around you too long,” Kaneki’s smile could melt icebergs. Hide knew, even if he didn’t understand why, that that smile was only for him. 

 

Hide sternly reminded himself to just enjoy this day, and for once it worked. They passed a pleasant afternoon in the cafe, the coffee and cake were as delicious as promised. The waitress didn’t spare Hide a second glance, and if Kaneki was bothered that Hide put his mask back on for the walk home, he didn’t show it. 

 

***

It was rare that Hide and Kaneki got to see each other twice in one week. Neither of them exactly had day jobs. Hide’s “consultation” work with the CCG and Kaneki’s role as something of a figurehead of human and ghoul reconciliation kept them apart more often than not. 

 

Maybe that was why it was so easy for them to pretend everything was okay when it clearly wasn’t. They didn’t see each other often enough for everything to boil over. 

 

In any case, when they had a chance to see each other once again, Hide got dressed with the usual sense of foreboding he felt before going outside. 

 

He hesitated as he looked at the medical mask. It wasn’t just when he had gone to see Kaneki a few days ago, he had been wearing it whenever he had to do errands lately. The unseasonable heat wave had not yet broken, and Hide still could not bring himself to go outside without his mask, now that he knew how comfortable it felt to blend into the crowd.

 

He knew Kaneki wouldn’t like it, but he put in on, and walked to Kaneki’s place with a sense of freedom he hadn’t had in a long time. 

 

Hide’s prediction that Kaneki would be upset turned out to be accurate. Kaneki’s face fell, just a little, when he opened the door to see Hide wearing it again. 

 

“Do you want to...come in for a moment?” Kaneki asked. 

 

Hide raised his eyebrows. “I thought we were going to go out today?”

 

“We are,” Kaneki said. “I just...have to clean up a bit before we head out.” He touched his chin as he did so. It was a habit he still had not broken, and Hide was sure he was still completely unaware of it.

 

“Okay…” Hide said slowly. 

 

Hide didn’t even bother to sit down as Kaneki went to wash his dishes, of which there were barely any except a couple of mugs that looked like they were already clean. 

 

If nothing else, Kaneki could never keep up a lie for long, and eventually his true reason for stalling came out. 

 

“So,” Kaneki said, in a voice that was too casual to be believable. “Are you still not feeling well?”

 

“H-huh?”

 

“The medical mask,” Kaneki said. “It must be quite a cold if you’ve had to wear it for a few days now.”

 

“Uh, I’m not sick,” Hide wasn’t sure where Kaneki was going with this. 

 

“Then why are you wearing it?” Kaneki’s back was turned from him as he faced the sink and pointlessly washed the same mug over and over. 

 

“I…” Hide opened and closed his mouth, unsure what to say.

 

Kaneki sighed and turned around to face him. 

 

“Is it… is it because of-” He seemed embarrassed and ashamed to even have to bring it up. “The… you know?” He finished weakly. 

 

“‘The _you_ _know_ ’?” Hide repeated, anger rushing in to replace the awkwardness he was feeling before. “You can’t even say it?”

 

“Hide…”

 

“Yeah, it is because of the  _ you know _ !” Hide snapped. “Do you have a problem with that?”

 

“I just… you shouldn’t feel like you have to.”

 

“That’s easy for you to say!” 

 

Kaneki looked pained. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“ _ You’re  _ not the one people stare at in the streets.”

 

“People don’t stare-”

 

“Kaneki, just shut up. You-”  _ You have no idea _ , was what Hide wanted to say. But he stopped short at the look on Kaneki’s face. He had never, not once in all the time they had known each other, told him to shut up. 

 

“I’ll… I won’t wear it today,” Hide mumbled, he reached up and took it off, stuffing it in his pocket instead. 

 

Kaneki nodded but said nothing. Hide tried to smile as he said, “Let’s… let’s go out, then?”

 

“Y-yeah,” Kaneki said, smiling in a way that seemed just as strained as Hide’s. 

 

It was not a particularly fun date. They went on a walk through the park and Hide felt his usual paranoia creeping in, somehow made even worse now that he was missing the comfort of the mask he had been wearing. 

 

Kaneki walked only on his right side, when Kaneki reached out to take his hand, for a moment Hide considered not taking it. 

 

Kaneki’s hand felt soft and strong and reassuring, he ran his thumb over the back of Hide’s hand as they walked and Hide felt, ever so slightly, better. 

 

It was a constant tug-of-war. Hide took such comfort in Kaneki’s presence, his touch, but just as often he wanted Kaneki to leave him alone. To not be seen by him. 

 

He asked himself, not for the first time, whether he didn’t want Kaneki to look at him because he wanted Kaneki to never have to face what he had done to him, or if it was because, deep down, he was angry at him for doing this to him. 

 

It frightened Hide that he didn’t know the answer. 

 

Kaneki suggested they go into a store, Hide wasn’t entirely listening when he had said what he needed to buy, and agreed with a stiff smile. He was surprised to find that Kaneki was leading him into a mall, Kaneki had never exactly been the type of person who went into malls if he could avoid it.

 

The instant he stepped into the mall, Hide was overwhelmed with just how bright and open and crowded it was. The second the doors slid open he was greeted by a cacophony of sounds and assaulted by the bright fluorescent lights above. 

 

Instinctively, he drew closer to Kaneki. 

 

“It is a bit chilly in here, isn’t it?” Kaneki said. “I don’t think the air conditioning has to be on blast quite that high.”

 

“Yeah…” Hide said. He found that he was having trouble focusing on what Kaneki said over the sound of some teenage girls laughing, even though they weren’t that close or that loud. “Er, why are we coming here?

 

“I told you, there’s a new book I want that’s out,” Kaneki said with a frown. “Normally I’d go to a smaller store but this one was the closest to where we were, so…”

 

“Right.”

 

“We can go into another store if you have stuff you want,” Kaneki continued obliviously. “Or we could even grab lunch? Or, well,  _ you  _ can grab lunch…”

 

“No I...don’t really want anything today.” At least if Kaneki wanted something specific they could be in and out relatively quickly. 

 

The bookstore was at least quieter than the rest of the mall. The section Kaneki wanted was at the back of the store, and Hide was glad that the majority of people in the store had their noses in books and weren’t looking in their direction at all. 

 

Kaneki found his book quickly, but Hide had been naive to think they were going to get in and out so soon. Kaneki liked to browse for other books for ages once he got into a store, and normally Hide thought this was a endearing habit, but he really just wanted to get out of there and go home. Even though they were in a quiet section at the back of the store, every time someone came into the aisle Hide jumped a little. Kaneki was too preoccupied with his book to notice. 

 

After what felt like an eternity, they went up to pay for the books Kaneki had picked up (of course he could never leave with just one). 

 

A father with his young daughter got behind them in line. Hide knew they couldn’t see his face, but he didn’t like them being so close to him. 

 

Kaneki handed over his cash and Hide was about to breathe a sigh of relief that they could finally go home. 

 

Kaneki turned from the counter and Hide followed behind him.

 

They were just about at the door, when they heard the girl say in what was she probably thought was a whisper:

 

“What’s wrong with that man’s face?”

 

There was no way for either Hide or Kaneki to pretend not to have heard it. They both stiffened for a moment and Kaneki put his hand on Hide’s back to steer him out of the store. 

 

When they finally got out of the mall itself, the sliding glass doors opening to blast them with the heat of the day, Hide rounded on Kaneki. 

 

“You see?” He demanded. 

 

“Hide-”

 

“I get that all the time!” 

 

“She’s just a little girl, Hide, she didn’t know any better-”

 

“She’s just saying what everyone else thinks when they see me!”

 

A few people had turned to stare at them, Hide hadn’t meant to shout. 

 

“Can we-” Kaneki’s eyes darted around. “Talk about this later?

 

Hide nodded, he didn’t want to attract attention anymore than Kaneki did right now. But as they walked back to Kaneki’s place together, Hide felt that somehow he had missed his chance to tell Kaneki what he had been feeling. The burning anger he had felt just moments before abated slightly, to be replaced by embarrassment. She was just a little girl. And he, who had fought ghouls and survived being torn into, was going to let her get to him like this?

 

The walk back to Kaneki’s apartment was long, but neither of them mentioned that maybe they should take a bus. Hide was grateful for the opportunity to calm down. 

 

When Kaneki finally closed the door of his apartment behind them he said awkwardly. “So, uh, are you okay?”

 

“I...yeah,” Hide said. 

 

“Do you want to talk about-”

 

“No,” he said, a little too quickly. “I just… I wasn’t feeling well. I think I overreacted a bit..”

 

Kaneki looked unconvinced. 

 

“Really.” Hide smiled. Kaneki’s worried frown faded, just a little. 

 

“All right then,” Kaneki smiled. “Do you need me to do anything for you?” Kaneki’s tone was almost pleading. 

 

“Could I maybe use your shower?” Hide laughed. “That walk made me all sweaty.”

 

Kaneki rolled his eyes, but a smile tugged at his lips. “It’s not even that hot outside, but sure.”

 

“You’re the best!” Hide called, dashing into Kaneki’s bathroom. 

 

Hide slammed the door with more force than he had intended. He hadn’t been lying when he had said he needed a shower, but he wasn’t really that warm. He just wanted to be somewhere quiet and dark and cool for moment. 

 

Undressing carefully, so that he wouldn’t have to touch or look at his own scars. He got into the showers and let ice cold water pour over him until he was shivering so violently that he had no choice but to put the hot water on as well. 

 

He had one jagged scar that ran down from his shoulder to just below his ribcage. Despite his own misgivings, he couldn’t help but watch as drops of water ran down his body and into the drain. The water pooled at his feet a little, and the droplets that ran down his body were dark and red, spreading and blooming like flowers in the water that surrounded him, that threatened to drown him if he let the darkness take him, if he gave into his own weakness and let himself just let go-

 

He was shivering again. The water had run cold.

 

Turning off the shower, Hide wrapped himself in a towel, drying himself off and putting his clothes back on. 

 

Kaneki had made him something to eat, and was sitting down at the table waiting for him. It was only upon seeing the food that Hide realized he was hungry, he wasn’t sure if he had eaten anything at all that day. 

 

“Looks good!” Hide said happily, pulling out a chair and sitting down heavily. 

 

Kaneki held a mug of coffee, and had left a mug out for Hide as well. Hide drank his gratefully, to warm himself up. 

 

“I hope your pasta isn’t too cold,” Kaneki said with a frown. “You were in there a while.”

 

Hide shrugged, setting down his coffee and digging into his spaghetti. “You know me, I’m not too picky.” When Kaneki still looked unconvinced Hide added, “It’s delicious, thanks for making food for me.”

 

“It’s no problem,” Kaneki said with a faint smile. 

 

“Sometimes I can’t believe you keep food in your place just for me.”

 

“Of course I do. I want you to be comfortable here.”

 

He said it with such sincerity, such warmth, that suddenly Hide felt tears burn in his eyes. He ducked his head quickly so Kaneki wouldn’t see. 

 

He had almost never lost his composure when he had been working to save Kaneki, and yet now even the smallest of things threatened to break him. Why was it now, when he had what he once had never allowed himself to dream he would have, that he chose to break down? 

 

“Did you want to watch a movie later?”

 

“I don’t want to go out again today,” Hide said quickly. 

 

“We could just stay here,” Kaneki said. “Sit and cuddle on the couch?”

 

“Yeah,” Hide sank into his chair a little in relief. “Sounds good.”

 

“We’ll watch one of those really stupid movies you like.”

 

“I think you mean one of those wonderful ‘so bad it’s good’ movies I like.”

 

“Sure, if you say so.” 

 

“So mean to me,” Hide said with a laugh. 

 

Putting on stupid movies and cuddling on the couch was becoming something of a tradition for them.  They almost never actually paid attention to the movie. They just wanted to spend time together. It was easy and safe and it was simple for them to just forget their problems and enjoy each other’s company and warmth. 

 

His head on Kaneki’s chest, Hide let himself be nearly lulled to sleep by the sound of Kaneki’s heart beating. It was a reminder that Kaneki was still there, really there, steady and slow and constant.

 

“Do you want to go to bed?” Kaneki asked softly, ceasing his stroking of Hide’s hair, which Hide had barely noticed until it had stopped. 

 

“Mmm,” Hide nuzzled his head on Kaneki’s chest. He hadn’t realized how tired he was until he had nearly fallen asleep, but now that Kaneki brought it up it sounded really nice. He supposed his recent lack of sleep was finally catching up to him, “Yeah… sounds good.”

 

He got up groggily and Kaneki pulled him from the couch. Hide allowed himself to be led to bed. He already had pyjamas that he left at Kaneki’s place, but was surprised when Kaneki started putting on his own pyjamas. 

 

“It’s really early,” Hide said. “You don’t need to go to bed just because I am.”

 

“I can always read,” Kaneki shrugged, pulling off his shirt (Hide appreciated the view). “I just want to be close to you today.”

 

“You’re a sap,” Hide mumbled, turning away to take off his own shirt. 

 

They snuggled under Kaneki’s covers and Hide barely gave him a chance to open his book before he wiggled into Kaneki’s arms. 

 

“H-Hide!” Kaneki laughed. 

 

“You’re warm,” Hide sighed. 

 

“And you’re stealing my heat,” Kaneki teased. 

 

“It’s your job.”

 

“Mmm,” Kaneki said. “Guess you’re not wrong there.”

 

“You do a good job,” Hide said, so quietly he was sure Kaneki could not hear it. 

 

“Huh?”

 

“Nevermind,” Hide said, closing his eyes. He allowed himself to drift off to sleep to the sound of Kaneki’s heartbeat once more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I am alive 
> 
> Also the unreality ramps up a bit in this chapter so if that's something that bothers you be careful <3

Hide didn’t want to be melodramatic, but he was pretty sure he was losing his mind. 

 

Sometimes he would look in the mirror, and it would look like his scars had spread. He would drop the soap in shock, his heart beating frantically as he saw that his scars covered almost his entire face instead of just half of it. 

 

But then he would blink and it would go back to normal. 

 

It usually only happened when he got up in the middle of the night, so it was easy to write it off as a trick of the light and his sleep-addled mind. 

 

Except now it was happening more frequently. It was happening in the middle of the day. Even sometimes when he passed a store window. 

 

And now he was staring at himself in the mirror, blinking at himself sternly until it finally went away and he looked normal again (or as normal as he ever looked). 

 

He resolved to never let Kaneki know about it. He couldn’t bother Kaneki with something so pathetic when Kaneki already had so much on his plate. 

 

Hide could deal with his own problems. 

 

***

Hide wore a mask on his way to Kaneki’s place, but when he caught a glimpse of himself in a window of a store he groaned. It looked like his scars had spread again, and although the illusion went away in an instant, Hide felt it was rather pointless to have his mask on today if it wasn’t making him feel any better, and he stuffed it in his pocket. 

 

He saw Kaneki glance at the mask poking out of his pocket when he came in the door.

 

He didn’t know why he was unable to just let anything slide, but Hide said, “You’re missing out. This is my adorable kitty mask.” 

 

“Kitty mask?” To Hide’s irritation, Kaneki didn’t seem to get that Hide was pissed at him from his stupid joke. “You don’t need that to be cute.” 

 

Disarmed, Hide’s irritation dissipated as soon as it had started. And he felt oddly ashamed of his uncharitable thoughts. 

 

“And you don’t need to try and flatter me to get into my pants,” Hide said, deciding it was best to just play everything off as a big joke. 

 

As Hide could have predicted, Kaneki went bright red and coughed a little.

 

“I- I wasn’t trying to-”

 

“I’m teasing,” Hide said flatly. 

 

“Oh, right.”

 

“Though if that really were what you were trying to do, I certainly wouldn’t object.”

 

He left Kaneki spluttering incoherently as he went to the kitchen table to grab the mug of coffee that he knew would be waiting for him. 

 

“And you’ve even prepared coffee for me, you really want me to believe you’re not trying to get in my pants?” Hide couldn’t help but feel pleased when Kaneki buried his face in his hands. It was far too fun to tease him. 

 

“I always make coffee for you,” Kaneki whined. “Can’t you believe that I don’t have nefarious purposes?”

 

“Nope,” Hide sat down and sipped at his coffee. Kaneki had already given him the perfect amount of milk and sugar. 

 

Kaneki groaned and sat down too. “You’re a mess, you know that?”

 

“Yeah,” Hide said. “I know.”

 

Hide’s spoon clattered against his mug as he stirred his coffee unncessarily. Kaneki really had no idea. Or maybe he did. 

 

“So what do you have in store for me tonight?” Hide asked, to change the subject. 

 

“That better not be another sex joke,” Kaneki glared at him. 

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

 

Kaneki suddenly looked apologetic. “Actually...something came up at work-”

 

“Oh,” Hide said. “Do you want me to go then?” Kaneki was making this up, he was ashamed to be seen in public with Hide and now he didn’t even want him in his apartment and this was his way of tactfully telling him to get out-

 

“No!” Kaneki said quickly. Almost too quickly. “I just meant that I need to finish up a report first. If you don’t mind I could sit on the couch and type it while you watch something, then we can figure out what we want to do?”

 

Again, Hide was ashamed. He always believed the worst of Kaneki. It didn’t used to be like that. 

 

“Sure, sounds good,” Hide smiled. 

 

And so Hide ended up curled against Kaneki on the couch, a blanket thrown around their shoulders. He felt stupid for being upset about it earlier. This was nice. Kaneki was warm and the movie Hide had thrown on to watch while Kaneki was working was good. 

 

But Hide kept finding himself distracted. He realized it had been a long time since he had just... _ cuddled _ Kaneki like this. He was more interested in how warm Kaneki felt under this blanket with him. How muscly Kaneki’s arm felt as Hide leaned his head against his shoulder. 

 

Okay, Hide had been joking about it before, but the truth was Hide was now realizing how long it had been since he had had sex with Kaneki.

 

And how much he wanted to. 

 

He leaned up and kissed Kaneki on the neck, just gently. Predictably, Kaneki giggled a little. It was a habit Kaneki hated but his neck was so sensitive he could never help himself. 

 

Grinning to himself, Hide did it again. 

 

“Hide,” Kaneki said. “You are a distraction.” But he was smiling.

 

“Hmm?” Hide scooched himself up. “Are you saying you don’t want to be kissed by your incredible boyfriend?” To punctuate the question, he kissed Kaneki on the corner of his mouth. Just enough to tease him. 

 

“I’m not saying that.” The tips of Kaneki’s ears were red. That was a good sign. 

 

Hide continued to kiss along Kaneki’s jawline, always avoiding his mouth, until Kaneki sighed in irritation and closed his laptop, putting it aside. 

 

“If you’re going to distract me from my work, at least kiss me like you mean it.” Kaneki grabbed Hide’s shirt collar and pulled him in close for a kiss. Hide sighed in appreciation and let Kaneki take over. He hadn’t been kissed like this in so long. And even if Kaneki was clearly holding back, clearly trying to avoid one side of his mouth, it was fine. 

 

Hide manoeuvred himself into Kaneki’s lap and he could feel Kaneki smile in appreciation. He put his hands on Kaneki’s face to bring them closer and he could feel Kaneki tense up a bit when Hide let his scarred skin brush against Kaneki’s cheek-

 

Or maybe he was imagining it, because Kaneki was kissing him back enthusiastically and he didn’t seem so concerned now about avoiding one side of Hide’s mouth as they kissed. 

 

Hide groaned in surprise and appreciation when Kaneki slipped his hands under his shirt, running his hands up Hide’s back. He felt shivers on his skin. It really had been too long since he had been touched like this. And it seemed, from the way Kaneki was pushing Hide even closer to him while Hide started to move his hips against him, that Kaneki felt the same way. 

Kaneki’s cell phone rang loudly. They both jumped in surprise and somehow both managed to smack their faces against each other’s. 

 

Hide groaned as Kaneki rubbed his nose where Hide had hit him and Kaneki smiled apologetically at Hide’s glare when he answered his phone. 

 

Kaneki’s eyes widened in surprise as Hide heard a very shouty voice over the phone, though he couldn’t make out what they were saying. 

 

“Uh, right! Sorry, I’ll get to it right away!” 

 

Kaneki ended the call and gave Hide a baleful puppy dog expression. 

 

“Let me guess, you need to get that report in now?” 

 

“How did you guess?” Kaneki grimaced. “Sorry. It really shouldn’t take me too long.” 

 

“Fiiine,” Hide said, rolling gracelessly off of Kaneki and flopping heavily on the couch, pouting but not really upset. 

 

He turned to watch the movie again (though now he was completely lost with what was happening because he had forgotten to pause it) while Kaneki typed frantically. Okay, maybe Hide was a little upset. Not at Kaneki. He knew all too well how demanding work could be when you were attempting to put the world back together. But he was desperate for Kaneki’s touch, and he couldn’t get the feeling of Kaneki’s hands running up his back out of his head. For once it had felt like Kaneki desired him. 

 

Though Kaneki still sat on the side without scarring. 

 

The report took a lot longer than Kaneki had thought it would. They ended up having to order in dinner for Hide, which Hide grumpily ate as Kaneki had what Hide was sure was his fourth coffee. 

 

Finally, Kaneki slammed his laptop shut and sighed deeply. 

 

“Are you done?” Hide asked immediately.

 

“Yeah,” Kaneki groaned. 

 

“You sure?” 

 

“Yeah,” Kaneki said, putting his laptop on the coffee table. 

 

“Good,” Hide leapt back into Kaneki’s lap without warning and kissed him firmly on the mouth. 

 

“H-Hide!” Kaneki laughed as he tried to hold Hide steady on his lap so he wouldn’t slide off onto the floor. Hide grinned in his lopsided way as Kaneki kissed him back firmly. He gasped in surprise as Kaneki gently flicked his tongue against Hide’s lips and Hide hesitantly parted them. Kaneki almost never did this, and Hide had always been sure it had something to do with the fact that doing so meant he could easily feel his scars. But Kaneki was doing it now without any hesitation. 

 

Hide groaned as he felt Kaneki’s tongue explore his mouth. It was almost too much. He felt heat flood his body and he wanted more. More of this. More of Kaneki. 

 

Kaneki reluctantly pulled away to breathe and Hide resisted the urge to grab him and force him back. 

 

Hide himself was panting as Kaneki caught his breath and Hide said “Bedroom?” in a such a breathless way that Kaneki laughed. 

 

“Someone is bold tonight,” Kaneki smirked. 

 

“I could say the same about you,” Hide responded slyly. 

 

“You know you have to get off me to go to the bedroom,” Kaneki said. 

 

“Hmm, don’t pretend you couldn’t just pick me up from here and carry me.”

 

“Okay, but we both remember what happened last time I tried that and I can’t afford to buy another new coffee table.”

 

Hide sighed and stood up, folding his arms and glaring at Kaneki impatiently. 

 

“I’m moving, I’m moving!” Kaneki said. He stood up, and to Hide’s shock, quickly scooped Hide up into something of a bridal carry. 

 

“I’m… not even going to question how you could do that so fast,” Hide said, in quiet awe of Kaneki’s strength. 

 

“Hmm,” Kaneki looked a little pleased with himself as he carried Hide to the bedroom where he threw him, somewhat unceremoniously, onto the bed. 

 

“Oof,” Hide complained. He scooted up on the bed as Kaneki sat down beside him. They looked at each other for a moment, Hide had to admit he suddenly felt awkward, with Kaneki gazing at him so openly, but then Kaneki moved so he was straddling Hide. Kaneki leaned down to kiss him and Hide sighed into his mouth. Kaneki was kissing him more slowly than before, but if anything it felt even more passionate. He flicked his tongue against Hide’s lips again and Hide parted them. 

 

Now that they were no longer in an awkward position on the couch, now that Kaneki was lying on top of him, the contact was overwhelming. Hide bucked his hips against Kaneki’s and Kaneki groaned into his mouth. 

 

Hide slipped his hands under Kaneki’s shirt and began to run his hands up his back. He was still amazed by how strong Kaneki was, how he could feel Kaneki’s strength just by running his hands over his skin. 

 

Kaneki was breathing heavily as he broke away from Hide’s mouth and began to kiss the side of his neck (of course, the side without scars). Hide sighed in appreciation and turned his head to the side to allow Kaneki better access. 

 

Kaneki’s breath tickled Hide’s neck and he bit back the urge to laugh even as he continued grinding his hips against Kaneki’s. Kaneki kissed up his neck and Hide bit his lip as he felt Kaneki’s mouth against his fluttering pulse. He felt suddenly tense but Kaneki was thankfully done with that quite quickly as he kissed along Hide’s jawline and kissed his face. He was teasing Hide, he knew, the way Hide had refused to kiss Kaneki’s mouth earlier on the couch. 

 

But as he kissed him, as Kaneki rested his hand awkwardly on Hide’s chest when it would have made much more sense - been much more comfortable - to place his hand on the scarred side of Hide’s face, Hide became suddenly uncomfortable with Kaneki’s weight on top of him. He thought of Kaneki’s mouth on his pulse, of Kaneki’s mouth now touching everywhere except the scars, how Kaneki only sat on Hide’s “good” side, how Kaneki had always hesitated before kissing him, avoiding one side of his mouth-

 

It felt like the left side of his face was burning. He couldn’t feel Kaneki kissing him at all. 

 

Hide was filled with a sudden anger. He shoved Kaneki off of him and hadn’t even realized he had done it until he was sitting up and he was looking at Kaneki, who was still straddling him but was no longer leaning over him, who was staring at him looking wide-eyed and even frightened. 

 

“Um,” Kaneki said, after a few moments of charged, uncomfortable silence. “Did I… do something wrong? I didn’t hurt you did I?”

 

Kaneki was wringing his hands nervously, looking sad and ashamed, but the sight did nothing to make Hide feel sorry for him. If anything it made him even more angry. How could Kaneki not realize what he had done wrong? 

 

“Why are you only kissing one side of my face?” Hide demanded. 

 

Kaneki blinked. “Wh-what?” 

 

“Why don’t you ever- why don’t you touch the side of my face that’s scarred?” Hide had meant to sound angry and forceful, to shame Kaneki so that he would know how he made Hide feel every single day, but his voice came out whiny and petulant. He knew he sounded close to tears. 

 

“I don’t...know what you mean,” Kaneki said, but Hide didn’t miss the way he didn’t look Hide in the eye as he said it.

 

“Don’t lie to me!” Hide’s voice broke and he hated his own weakness. “Just tell me why you won’t!”

 

“Hide-”

 

“Is it because you think it’s disgusting?” 

 

“ _ What _ ? Hide, no!” And Kaneki sounded so genuinely shocked, looked so genuinely distressed, that Hide was tempted for a moment to believe him. 

 

“Then...why?” Hide looked directly at Kaneki, pleading, begging for an answer. 

 

Kaneki bit his lip for a moment, looking like he wished he could be anywhere else. Finally, he closed his eyes and sighed. Hide braced himself for a response, trying to be prepared for anything. 

 

“Because you… Hide, you flinch every time I try,” Kaneki’s voice was quiet. 

 

Hide had not been prepared for that answer. “I...what?”

 

“I’ve tried to kiss you or to...touch you there before,” Kaneki sounded pained, like he had to drag every word out of himself. “But every time I did you would tense up or flinch away so I just...stopped. I thought you didn’t want me touching you there and, well, I wouldn’t blame you.” Kaneki forced a laugh. 

 

Hide was reeling. He could not remember a time when he had done that, and the idea that all this time he had been angry at Kaneki for so long for something that was his own fault was too much to take in. 

 

“I do not!” Hide said finally. 

 

Kaneki sighed heavily. “Hide…”

 

“I don’t!” Hide snapped. “I want you to touch me there, I want you to kiss me there, I want you to to stop avoiding looking at a whole side of my face.”

 

“I don’t-”

 

“You do!” Hide was nearly shouting now. “Stop lying to me! I’ve wanted that for so long, why would I flinch away?” 

 

“How should I know?” Kaneki snapped, finally provoked into anger. “You’re the one doing it!”

 

“Kiss me,” Hide demanded. 

 

“What?” Kaneki said. 

 

“Kiss me there,” Hide said. “I won’t flinch away.”

 

“I...don’t think that’s a good idea, Hide,” Kaneki said. 

 

“Why not?” Hide glared at him and Kaneki sighed once again, making Hide feel even more irritated at him. It was his body and he was going to prove that Kaneki was lying. 

 

Kanki leaned forward and, despite wearing an expression that still clearly said he thought this was a bad idea, gently put his hand on the unscarred side of Hide’s face and kissed him on the scarred side of his face. 

 

The kiss was soft and gentle, really just the lightest touch of his lips against Hide’s skin. But Hide could feel himself tense up. He sat there unmoving for just a second before he felt a rising panic in his chest and he roughly jerked his face away. 

 

Kaneki moved away and finally rolled off of Hide, sitting beside him but clearly trying to put some distance between them. 

 

Hide sat there in shock. Even though he had been prepared for Kaneki to kiss him, even though he had actually asked Kaneki to kiss him, he had still flinched away. 

 

“Do I… do I really do that every time?” Hide asked quietly. 

 

Kaneki smiled sadly in answer. 

 

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Hide said. 

 

“Don’t be,” Kaneki said. “Like I said before I don’t blame you for not wanting me to. I… don’t think I have the right to blame you.” Kaneki was not looking directly at Hide as he said this. 

 

“Not for that…” Hide said desperately. “For being angry at you for it when it was my fault this whole time…”

 

“It’s not your fault,” Kaneki said, cutting him off. Hide was not sure he believed him. He wasn’t sure if Kaneki believed it as he said it either. 

 

Hide wasn’t sure what possessed him to do it, other than still feeling desperate for Kaneki’s touch, but he suddenly moved over to straddle Kaneki, and in one movement had awkwardly rolled over so that Kaneki was on top of him again. 

 

“Hide wh-”

 

Hide pulled Kaneki in closer for a kiss. Kaneki indulged him for a moment before slowly pulling away. 

 

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Kaneki said. 

 

Hide looked up at him. “But I want to.” 

 

“I don’t,” Kaneki didn’t sound angry, mostly just sad. In any case, he didn’t want to. And that put and end to that. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Hide said again. 

 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” 

 

But Hide knew that he did. Not because he had flinched away, but because now that Kaneki was on top of him he once again felt like the scars on his face were spreading. Because he had blinked and just for an instant he had seen Kaneki, with one red eye and covered in Hide’s blood. 

 

And he had blinked again and the image was gone. But he was filled with shame for even having seen it. It was hard to reconcile that memory of Kaneki with the way he looked now, he eyes both grey and sad and the moonlight streaming in from the window illuminating him and making him look almost angelic. 

 

Kaneki rolled off him. “I think I’m going to bed now.” 

 

“Right,” Hide swallowed thickly as Kaneki crawled under the covers and decided he might as well do the same.

 

They lay there under the covers for a while, neither of them falling asleep, Kaneki lying with his back turned to Hide. 

 

“Kaneki,” Hide said suddenly. 

 

“Mmm?” Kaneki mumbled.

 

“Can we still cuddle?” He hated how he sounded like a child, but he just wanted to be held. 

 

Kaneki didn’t question him, he just turned around and wrapped his arm around Hide’s waist. Hide was grateful and he snuggled back into Kaneki’s warmth and protection. 

 

He felt Kaneki’s breath tickle the back of his neck and waited until his breathing became slow and even, until he was sure he was asleep, before he finally said out loud what had been bothering him all night. 

 

“Kaneki, I think I’m really messed up.” 

 

To his shock, Hide heard Kaneki chuckle lightly behind him. Hide was filled with the urge to run, he had never wanted Kaneki to hear that confession. 

 

Kaneki pulled him in closer and kissed him gently on the back of the neck and mumbled. “It’s okay, so am I.”


End file.
